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A New Soap (part one)

Natalie Portman. The best thing to come out of Israel since unleavened bread. Of course, that wouldn't have been the case if the studio execs had been more receptive to a certain screenplay I pitched a couple years back: Israeli Ninja. Think American Ninja with some added Middle Eastern spice. Explosive stuff. Unfortunately, the studios didn't bite. One of the harshest opponents of the script - a guy at Paramount - claimed that it displayed

..a complete lack of understanding of Jewish culture, of the political climate in the Middle East, and of reality in general.

That said, everyone was hot for the scene where the Israeli Ninja guns the propellers on a stolen nuclear sub, drives it out over a 200 foot waterfall, and crashes straight through the Saudi Samurai's gold-plated attack yacht.

Since that scene was such a hit, I embarked on one of the few mistakes of my career. I figure, give these guys what they want... I ended up with the script for White Water Submariners. Think Fast and the Furious crossed with The River Wild crossed with Crimson Tide. Sounds good, I'll admit, but it just didn't gel together.

So anyway, I get a call from Natalie Portman - the most recent of many - asking to see me. Ordinarily, I wouldn't say no to a lady like Nat, but I've been real busy recently... the Miyazaki thing, Tommy Reid's theft of Seven Ten Split... Maybe you're thinking,

Come on Matt! I don't care if Tommy Reid stole your goddamn kidneys, you make time for Nat Portman!

Well... yeah... to be honest, I was just waiting for her hair to grow back before seeing her. Damn Wakowskis. Just cos they pulled The Matrix out of the hat they get to take a hair clipper to Natalie Portman!? You ask me they haven't done a single thing right since Assassins - Most explosive shootout in a taxi ever.

I've seen a couple pictures of Nat recently, and I figure she's back. So this time, I agree to go see her. Malamar drives me down to the restaurant - As well as being my PA, Malamar doubles as a chauffeur and triples as a bodyguard... (I haven't seen him fight yet, but... you know... he's from one of those martial arts countries). I figure he's used to driving one of those green motorized bicycles like Rodge Moore cruises around in in Octopussy, so I'm real impressed with how he handles the Die Hard Ambulance.

Have you seen Octopussy Malamar?

He answers me. I'm starting to make out one or two words. Not sure what the clicks mean though. When he's done I go on,

Interesting fact: Maud Adams was the only actress ever to play two different Bond girls. She was Andrea Anders in The Man with the Golden Gun and nine years later she returned as Octopussy... I guess you could say Roger wanted a little more.

He looks at me. Nods. Turns back to the road. Sometimes I get the feeling Mal doesn't pick up on my subtle wit. When we arrive at the restaurant, I see Nat standing outside impatiently - when you're about to meet Matt Evans for the first time you can get a little restless. I step out to introduce myself.

Bang! Matt Evans, at your service.

Thanks for meeting me Matt.

No problem babe. So, we heading inside?

She turns around. She looks nervous, reluctant to go in. I'm inside her head at this point (it's a gift) - The girl finally gets to meet Matt Evans, she wants him all to herself - After a jittery moment, she speaks.

Matt. We can't go inside... I need to talk to you.

She's real serious.

I need you to get a message to-

She's interrupted. A man walking out of the restaurant just called her name. I recognize him as Rick McCallum, producer of the Star Wars pictures. Lucas' right hand man. Word is, George doesn't make a single decision without first having Rick tell him it's a good idea.

Natalie!

he calls out,

What a coincidence, seeing you here!

She turns to see him. There's a strange moment as they greet each other... She introduces me to Rick and I shake his hand.

Ricky! Great to meet you. Listen, I gotta ask: Is it true Michael Caine is your stepfather?

What? No... You're thinking of Michael York.

Michael York? Who's he?

He played D'Artagnan in The Three Musketeers.

No way!

Yeah, he's a really great guy... Matt Evans. That name seems- are you the guy that killed Hayao Miyazaki at the Oscars?

Clearly Ricky's a little confused... but I have been getting this a lot recently. I guess he really did look dead after he fell. I try to explain what really happened, meanwhile Natalie, looking around frantically, moves towards the Die Hard Ambulance. She's looking up at Mal.

And this is... uh Matt?

Oh! Yeah, that's Malamar. Best PA in LA. Hey Malamar, you know Nat right? This is Rick McCallum - he's the son of that guy in Scent of a Woman! Remember? The Bairdman?

My Pacino impression sucks - I only ever do it so that Mal will do his. You should hear him do his Devil's Advocate bit - He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? Never! Sometimes he jumbles the words around a little, keep you on your toes, but the voice is perfect!

Unfortunately for everyone present, he doesn't take the bait. Malamar's about to say hi when Natalie stumbles and falls towards him. With a promising display of cat-like reflexes, Malamar catches her. Rick rushes over to help her.

Woh Natalie! You ok there?

Yeah Rick. Thanks. I'm fine.

The next few moments are hectic. A couple of Rick's assistants show up, there's a rush of activity around Natalie, and before I know what's what they're all gone. Natalie with them. I'm left standing there with Malamar. We exchange a confused look.

Well, there it is Mal.... Let's roll.

We hop into the Die Hard Ambulance and are back at my place before I have time to finish explaining to Malamar how Timothy Dalton was the perfect buffer between the Moore and Brosnan Bond dynasties.

I get back to my PC and continue writing the screenplay for No Rule to Make Target - the thriller I'm currently developing for Mickey Keaton. During the Oscar's Mickey and myself were in a tight spot... for legal reasons I can't go into the details, but I promised him that if we got out of it alive I'd write a movie with a starring role for him. Mickey will play an army sniper - John Target - who is betrayed by his own commanding officer. To get revenge he has to turn on his old unit - men he trained - and snipe his way back to the CO: General Xavier Zantos. Explosive stuff.

Yo Malamar!

I call out,

What's the best place in the jungle to take up a sniping position? Like up a tree, or on top of a hill or what?... Malamar?

Usually Malamar's very helpful with this sort of thing, so I'm surprised when he doesn't answer. I get up and find him in the next room studying something in the palm of his hand.

What you got their Mal? Looks like a memory stick.

He looks up at me.

Want me to check it out?

I ask. He nods. I take it and we head back in to the PC. A moment later I'm trying to load up a video stored on the memory stick.

Something's wrong with this file Mal. Where'd you get this?.. Hold up, here we go!

A video pops up on screen. To start out it's all staticky, can't make out a thing. Then... Natalie Portman shows up. She's speaking into the camera, the footage looping over and over. I turn up the volume (I usually keep it down - Jake Busey got a hold of my computer and setup a goddamn Rosie Perez sound scheme. Dunno how the hell he managed it, but I can't get rid of the damn thing). We hear Natalie,

...Help me Mr. Bruckheimer, you're my only hope... ...Help me Mr. Bruckheimer, you're my only hope...

I close the program.

YOO SO STOOPID BILLEEEEE!!!

Turn the volume down. Malamar seems as confused as me, but I have to ask him,

Did Natalie give you this Mal?

He doesn't know. Says he just found it in the Die Hard Ambulance when we got back.

Bruckheimer... I wonder if she means Jerry Bruckheimer - the greatest movie producer who has ever lived. The man behind Con Air, Armageddon, The Rock, Flashdance, The Bad Boys Duology, National Treasure, BHD, Kangaroo Jack, Pirates of the Caribbean, Coyote Ugly, Gone in 60 Seconds and let's not forget two of TC's finest movies: Top Gun and DoT... The list goes on Malamar.

Malamar blinks. I stop and think for a moment. Natalie said she wanted me to get a message to someone. She must want me to contact Jerry Bruckheimer. Was Ricky McCallum trying to stop her?... It didn't make any sense, but there was only one thing to do.

Malamar. Start up the Die Hard Ambulance. We're going to see Jerry Bruckheimer.

Later that day we arrive at Jerry's place... Let's put this in context. This is Jerry Bruckheimer. The Master. I've never met him before (although when I first arrived in L.A. I may have had a paranormal encounter with his late collaborator Don Simpson). This was a big deal for me... but apparently I wasn't the only person looking for Jerry.

As we turn the corner and Jerry's mansion comes into view, I see dozens of people lumbering around outside the gates.

Stop the car Malamar!

He parks at the side of the road and we step out. Keeping our distance, I study the guys outside Jerry's. They're roaming around like zombies... each of them holding a collection of papers in their hands. One of them's making a lame effort to scale the electric gate.

Screenwriters,

I explain to Malamar.

They must be here to pitch ideas to Jerry. Dammit! How're we gonna get inside?

Then I see it - a security camera angled down towards the huddle of screenwriters. There was a slim chance Jerry would see me if I went over. With Malamar in tow I walk slowly into their midst.

Don't make eye contact Malamar... they'll take it as a sign to pitch.

They groan and mumble phrases to no one in particular as we pass through. We're careful not to brush against them. They don't seem to notice us as we walk by.

...rrmmm... explosive... sequel... Bad Santa meets The Bourne Identity... remake... RRRrrrmm... Michael Douglas...

A couple times I have to stop, to let one of them trudge by in front of me. From the odors wafting around I get the impression some of them have been here for days... possibly living off cabbage and baked beans... Finally, I'm right in the center of the camera's view. I look straight up at it. Malamar stands close, clearly uneasy in these surroundings.

Mr. Bruckheimer!

I begin. No one takes any notice of me.

I have an important message for you. A message from Natalie Portman.

I continue, explaining the video message I received, when all of a sudden a face flashes before me. I make the mistake of glancing briefly towards it - the look only lasted an instant, but that's all it takes. The man before me begins:

Spiderman, Deep Impact, The Passion - what do they have in common?.. Absolutely nothing!.. Unless...

He goes on - but I'm shaken up, I look from side to side. Three more screenwriters approach and start pitching,

Two cops... One man... Everything you thought you knew about lumber... Michael Douglas in his most OUTRAGEOUS role yet!!...

I try to turn to Malamar, but they're massing all around me - I can't tell which way he is!

Malamar!

I call out. I hear him shout something - they've got him too. Desperately I try to block out the bombardment of movie ideas.

Until one day... an assassin, wait for it, hired to kill himself!!... Batman versus Ulysses 31...

Too... many... pitches...

A no holds barred expose of the lesbian archery circuit!... Blues Clues meets Daredevil... Michael Douglas...

I fall to the ground. They take it as a sign that they're wearing me down and move in closer. I start to black out...

Chuck Norris plays bulimic twins... Michael Douglas... A Kung Fu Kangaroo - A Kungaroo!!... Michael Douglas... Micha---

Suddenly I hear a loud scream. The screenwriters' heads jerk up, they scatter, running for cover across the street. I'm lying next to Malamar in the now empty street. I look up to see the electric gate's wide open, and standing between them - Jerry Bruckheimer. He walks over to Malamar, helps him up off the ground, and then offers me a hand. Once I'm up, he speaks.

Jerry Bruckheimer. Explosive Hollywood producer.

Matt Evans, explosive writer/director/actor. Pleased to meet you Mr. Bruckheim-

Please, Matt. Call me Jerry.... or The Bruck Totale... or Maverick.

I decide to stick with Jerry.

Thanks Jerry. Did you get my message?

Yes Matt, but we should get inside before we talk it over. The screenwriters are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

Inside, I tell Jerry everything that's happened so far. He listens with interest, stroking his scruffy ginger beard. Finally he speaks,

May I see the memory stick?

Sure, but like I said, there's something wrong with it. I couldn't watch the whole video.

I'll see what I can do about that.

He pulls a small UV light pen out of his pocket, presses play on a stereo, and begins examining the memory stick under the weird blue light. A familiar track by The Who kicks in. Jerry sings along at the top of his lungs:

WHOOOOO ARE YOU? WHO WHO, WHO WHOOO

He flicks his head up in time with the "whos" to look at me, then flicks it back to examine the hardware. Moving over to a desk, he starts looking through a magnifying glass.

YEAH I REALLY WANNA KNOWWWWW!, OH, WHO THE F*** ARE YOU!??

Some people say you should never meet your heroes.... those people have obviously never watched Jerry Bruckheimer getting all CSI with his UV light pen to the beats of The Who. The song comes to an end.

Almost got it,

he says. After a few quick adjustments, he hooks it up to his computer and rolls the video. Natalie appears on screen again - looking nervous, rushed.

Mr Bruckheimer. I hope this message reaches you. I couldn't contact you directly for I am constantly being watched. Matt was the obvious person for me to go to - he has such little influence in Hollywood that it would arouse no suspicion, and yet, if what I've heard about him is to be believed, he is persistent enough to have found you.

I'm a little confused by the comment. I guess Nat isn't too hot when it comes to phrasing compliments.

For years you've made hugely successful blockbuster movies, and more recently, have produced several hit television series. This is a path George Lucas is hoping to follow. He's now working on a Star Wars TV show... A little while ago, George took me aside, excited by this new project, and showed me some of the story ideas for the first season. Mr Bruckheimer, it's... it's awful. It's like a bad soap opera. It has enough flaws, enough inconsistencies, to destroy the entire Star Wars franchise - everything that George has accomplished up until now will be for naught. What's worse, is that he's been getting advice on the show's development from... Robert Evans.

Jerry stirs at the mention of the name.

I don't know what else to do Mr. Bruckheimer. If this series goes ahead... I can't even think... This is our most desperate hour. Help me Mr. Bruckheimer, you're my only hope.

The video cuts out and, for a moment, we sit in silence. Jerry is thinking deeply. I have to ask him about the name I heard mentioned.

This Robert Evans. You know him?

He nods,

Yes. He was once a great producer, like me. He made some classic pictures: Rosemary's Baby, Chinatown, The Godfather... He knew the movie business inside out. He was truly gifted in his knowledge of the Formula, but he was seduced by it's power, and was transformed into a shadow of himself.

The Formula?

Well, the Formula is what gives a filmmaker his power. A collection of rules for storyline, stock characters and situations. The Formula has grown and been perfected over several decades, eliminating all need for originality in the movie industry. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds Hollywood together.

I listen intently, eager to learn from one of the master's of modern cinema - But we didn't have time to sit around talking about movie making. We knew we had to do something, and decided we should start by finding Natalie. We had to get her away from Lucas. It didn't take long to find out that she was set to appear at a science fiction convention in Las Vegas that weekend. It didn't sound like somethng Nat would have volunteered to do - we could only assume the worst.

So we need to go to Vegas, huh? Well we can drive there in the Die Hard Ambulance.

Jerry looks at me.

The what?

I pause. Shocked, I exchange a look with Malamar, who seems equally taken aback.

You've never heard of the Die Hard Ambulance?

Should I have?

It's the van that made the Sepulveda Run in under 22 miles!

Jerry thinks about that for a second.

Made it in under... a distance? That doesn't make any sense.

You'll understand once you see her. Come on.

After sneaking past the screenwriters, still regrouping outside, we make it to the DHA and are on our way. A couple hours into the journey, Jerry leaves Malamar at the wheel to come and talk to me in the back. He finds me sitting with a notepad, furiously scribbling then scratching out words.

What are you working on?

Huh?.. Oh, it's a movie. A thriller about a sniper betrayed by his own people, who sets out to get revenge. Mickey Keaton wants a piece of the action.

Mickey Keaton? Is it a regular-voice role or a Beetlejuice one?

Mickey and I had already discussed this. There was no doubt about it:

Beetlejuice. No doubt. Mickey hasn't had a chance to take the old Beetlejuice voice out for a turn since clone number one in Multiplicity. He hates that so few roles call for it, but John Target couldn't work any other way.

Jerry nods. He glances down at the dialog I've been writing. The page is covered with scribbles.

You're having trouble with a scene?

Yeah...

Run it by me.

I set the scene up for Jerry. After General Xavier Zantos frames John Target for killing the Thai royal family, our hero has to go into hiding and disappears into the jungle. Zantos sends a crack unit of snipers (trained by Target) out to get him, but he picks them off one by one - from up a tree or on top of a hill or something - eventually Target works his way back to the army base - Jerry interrupts.

-to Zantos' compound. Army base is no good.

His compound?

Yes. An estate. A Mansion. Big gardens with statues, armed guards. Inside, lots of expensive art work and maybe even an aquarium with Siamese fighting fish.

Really? Do Generals live in places like that?

Villains do Matt. Villains do.

I nod and make a note of it... So Target gets back to Zantos' compound and snipes his way through the security. Then, there's the final confrontation between Target and his old mentor, Xavier Zantos.

Here's the problem. This is the key scene in the whole picture... Well, not including the one where Target is standing at the edge of a cliff and a herd of water buffalo are stampeding towards him - He has no choice but to dig in and start sniping... Anyway, I want the dialog to be tight. I want the back-and-forth between these two guys to be explosive. You know? I'm trying to think-

Stop Matt. Don't think... Use the Formula.

He lets the words hang... but I'm not sure what he means.

Really? I mean, what I'm looking for is something clever for Target to say to-

Use the Formula Matt. Creativity can be your undoing, trust in what's worked before.

I think about his words.

You mean.... instead of coming up with something smart for them to say.... I could just have them repeat lines from earlier in the movie?

Exactly. Perhaps an earlier scene where Zantos is training Target. Zantos tells him something - says he should always remember it - then later, Target repeats it, and kills him. It's the power of the Formula Matt - the audience will often mistake repetition for significance, or confuse the use of memory with the use of intelligence.

I... I think I understand.

Jerry smiles. Just then we hear a series of alarmed noises from the front of the van - it's Malamar. We move up and join him. There, in the distance, is Las Vegas. Jerry watches the horizon thoughtfully, speaking almost to himself,

Las Vegas, Nevada... You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

I nod,

I know. What a town!

Yeah, I try to make it up at least once a month. You been to that new place off the strip? Every blackjack table is extra large, reinforced, and has two guys fighting UFC style in the middle of it. It's a blast! They have to change decks every three, four hands. A couple MIT guys had a system worked out from the blood splatter on the cards.

Haven't seen it, no. Last time I came out, with Gary Busey, he brought me to this little place - you know Gary says the big casino's, that's New Vegas. This place, this is Old Vegas - anyway, it's kinda small, not really furnished or anything. The whole place... full of Koreans laying down big bucks on mantis fights. You know, these things are tiny, but they got 50 inch plasma TVs so you can watch em trying to crush each other's heads. In the back, I think they have dogs going at it, but you gotta be a member for that.

Man, I know the place. All too well. Blew half the budget of the second season of CSI on a seven inch mantis called 보복 지구 악마. I mean, seven inches! - you gotta figure a bug that size is a lock. Twenty seconds in, some little upstart competitor had chewed off his hind legs. I have to come to the set the next day and tell everyone we're still using the rubber corpses from last year - I mean, some of these bad boys stink like the real thing at this stage.... Hey! You ever been stripper-paintballing?

This went on for some time. A lot of reminiscing about the good times in Vegas... But this time we weren't here for fun. We were here on a mission, and despite Jerry's upbeat mood I couldn't help but think one thing:

I have a very bad feeling about this.

Risky Business

It's been too long people, but Matt Evans has had trouble. Legal trouble. I've had to hire the best lawyer money can buy: Cassius Montclare DuBois. You probably heard about him after Don Johnson was caught transporting 8 billion dollars worth of bonds across the Swiss-German border. Don could have gone down for that one, but CMduB stepped in and straightened the whole thing out - Of course there was a perfectly good explanation for Don's actions which I wont bore you with by repeating once again.

So what does Matt Evans need with a lawyer of Cassius' calibre? Well... I can't tell you. Not about all of it anyway. It's best if I just say there was an incident at this year's Oscars, involving myself and Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki. Maybe I can go into more details once this whole thing's been cleared up.

But that's not the end of my woes: Tara Reid's dumbass brother Tommy has stolen my idea. That's right - Seven Ten Split is currently in production but Matty ain't on board. The way Tommy tells it his picture has nothing to do with mine. No time-travelling dinosaurs/gay cowboys. No secret CIA-KGB anti-time travelling dinosaur/gay cowboy alliance. No climatic hot air balloon sniper versus sniper shootout. But you gotta read between the lines people... It's all in there one way or another. Tommy couldn't handle the explosiveness of the original script so he dressed it up as some goddamn buddy comedy and has been trying to pass it off as his own. If the final cut doesn't have "Matt Evans and a freakin' Xerox machine" creditted as the writing team there'll be hell to pay.

So I've been busy. A lot of meetings, legal mumbo jumbo. I've even had to hire a personal assistant. His name's Malamar. He's been a life saver. Finally I can have letters typed as fast as I talk - a step closer to the dream of having things typed as fast as I think. Of course, Malamar doesn't speak a word of english, and I don't speak... his language... but we've been doing everything phonetically and it seems to be working fine.

Most days Cassius, myself and Malamar have been dealing with Tommy's legal team, producers and so on. I've also been able to fit in some time teaching Malamar about the most important aspects of our culture. Just the basics so that we have a common ground we can communicate on. He's also been telling me stories about... his country. My favorite one seems to be about a group of guys trying to force a large animal, maybe a rhino, off a cliff. I'm considering adapting it into a picture with him.

So finally I find a free moment to sit down and write part two of the 78th Annual Academy Awards - with some very specific directions from Cassius about what I can't talk about (basically, all of the most explosive stuff!). I was trying to come up with the best way to explain how the fight started between Russell Crowe and Larry David when Malamar rushes in. He gestures that there's someone here to see me.

Who is it Malamar?

Another series of gestures. We're still trying to work out a clear system but I recognised the first sign as being the one for Mortal Kombat. We had to establish that pretty early on. I've been getting a lot of prank calls recently from Robin Shou. Guy thinks he's a riot with this 'Is your refrigerator running?' bit. It's an old gag Robin!

Someone here from Mortal Kombat? Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, or the short-lived yet underated TV series Mortal Kombat: Conquest?

Malamar replies.

Christopher Lambert and Linden Ashby!?.. what could they want?

Of course, Malamar had said Raiden and Johnny Cage, but I'm trying to teach him not to refer to actors by their character's names. I grab my jacket and head out to meet them.

Chris, Linden. What's up?

They're waiting next to a car outside. Chris answers:

I've been alive for four and a half centuries, and I cannot die.

A pause. I turn to Linden.

Hey Matt. We're on our way over to Chris Walken's for a game of Risk.

What's Risk?

You're kidding me, right?... You've never played?

Linden turns to Chris Lambert,

What the hell Chris? You said we could count on him!

One of you three with determine the outcome of the tournament. The fate of billions depends upon you. Heh, heh, heh!

I look at Linden, mouth the word "three?". He shakes his head - "forget about it." I'm also confused that Lambert seemed to have vouched for me somehow... I've never met the guy before. I guess the Evans name preceded me. Linden settles down.

Ok Matt. I'll explain the rules along the way,

Linden says as he ushers me into the passenger seat. Lambert gets in the back. So Linden teaches me Risk, with Chris occassionally interrupting with seemingly irrelevant quotes from his movies. Risk is a board game. Some would call it the classic game of world domination. Six players, each controlling an army, trying to complete their secret mission before the others.

The game was a regular thing with these guys. This time Christopher Walken was hosting. Lambert, Linden and myself would play. Charles Dance was all set to play, but had to cancel at the last minute. I'd be taking his place. The other players were Bobby De Niro, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.

That's seven players.

I say,

Yeah but Matt and Ben play as a team.

As a team?

Yeah... although if you ask me Matt does all the work.

Lambert leans in between our seats and adds,

Half of me is the Earl of Greystoke... the other half is wild!

He stares at me. I nod a little and finally he sinks back again. Linden doesn't comment. After a little while longer we arrive at Walken's place. On the way up the drive Linden turns to me. Looks me right in the eye:

This above all else: No matter what. Don't. Trust. Walken.

I smile. Figure he's just kidding. He isn't.

Walken'll make you think he's serving you up a Christmas goose, then chew up your ass and spit you out like yesterday's falafel.

Walken greets us at the door. I make a mental note to ask Malamar what falafel is when I see him later.

Christoph, Linden it's good to see you.

He turns to me and puts out a hand, blocking my approach.

You... I don't know you.

He keeps his hand out, turns to the other two.

Walken: Where's Dance?

Lambert: Good question... Neh, heh, heh.

Linden: He couldn't make it.

Walken shakes his head.

That's too bad. Too bad.

He nods for awhile, thinking it over. Finally he turns to me.

What's your name kid?

Matt Evans, explo-

We've already got a Matt in here. I'll call you Evans.

Chris shows us in. We head into a room with a large table. The Risk board is laid out and Bobby De Niro is sorting the pieces into separate colors. He looks up,

Chrissake Chris, could you try putting them back in the box properly next time?

Sort the goddamn pieces Bobby,

Walken replies. I walk around the room doing a meet and greet. Damon and Affleck are psyching each other up. Reverting to Boston-speak as the juices get flowing. Bobby doesn't have much time to talk. He's complaining about the lack of green cannon. It take's Damon a moment, but then he remembers where he knows me from:

Matt Evans?.. Matt Evans! You're the guy that killed Miyazaki at the Oscars!

No, I didn't kill Miyazaki.

Sure you did. I was in the audience! I saw you two fighting. There's no way he could've survived that fall.

Walken's been listening and cuts in:

Walken: I wouldn't be so sure Matt.

Damon: Are you kidding me? You saw him fall from the rafters, right?

Walken: Chinamen, Matty... they don't die so easy.

De Niro looks up from his pile of troops to nod his confirmation.

Walken: Trust me... I've seen some things... Things'd make ya head spin.

Damon: ...Yeah, well Miyazaki was Japanese. I dunno how that fits into your little picture.

Walken: China... Japan... Laos... It's all the Orient. A land where... mystery reigns. There's no logic there. It's every man for himself.

Damon: Maybe it'd be less f***in' mysterious if you learned to tell between the different countries.

Walken looks at Damon for a moment.

Walken: Maybe you'd shut the hell up if you went and got me a beer from the refrigerator.

It's a tense moment. Everyone pauses... waiting to see what will happen... The two of them stare at each other. Complete silence. Suddenly Lambert bursts out,

A high-tech hell! Built to hold anything... except an innocent man.

With that he leaves the room. The tension lessened a little, Damon finally gives in:

Ben. Go get Chris a beer.

With Lambert out of the room I finally get to ask Linden,

Hey man, what's up with Lambert? Why does he talk like that?

Like what?

Like that.

Linden looks at me confused for awhile. Then it hits him,

Oh! You mean why does he speak in lines from his movies? Christoph doesn't speak English.

I'm confused.

What? I just heard him-

No, no. You heard him repeat a line from one of his movies. He had to memorize all this stuff for filming.

So he doesn't speak English!?

Linden nods, just as Christoph returns through the door. We watch him walk by. Linden speaks first, quietly:

To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure if he speaks French.

...But, sometimes what he's saying almost seems related to what's going on. How does he do that?

Linden shrugs. From across the room Christoph calls,

It's a kind of magic! Neh, heh, heh!

At this point I'm a little weirded out, so I'm glad when we finally sit down to play. The mission cards are dealt. I read mine: Conquer Africa and Asia. Africa and Asia. That seems reasonable. We each pick a color and start placing troops in our territories. Matt Damon pipes up:

Wo! What the f*** is this?

Walken: Excuse me?

Damon: What is this? This is chaos! We put one battalion in each territory, then take turns reinforcing, moving clockwise around the table.

Affleck looks at Damon, and then juts in:

Affleck: We take turns... around the table.

Walken: That's bulls***!

Damon: It's the goddamn rules Walken, are the rules bulls***?

I notice De Niro getting annoyed. Breathing audibly through his nostrils.

Walken: Yeah. This rule, this is a bulls*** rule.

Damon: What? So now you pick and choose which rules to play by? Where does that end? Let everyone have two troop movements, three? Where do you draw the line?

Affleck: Draw a line!

Damon: Shut up Ben!

Affleck: Don't tell me to shut up. I was in Daredevil. You shut up!

De Niro: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! We're gonna play this game. We're not gonna be here all night, so we're gonna do it Chris' way. Anybody who's got a problem with that, has to talk to me.

Chris nods. De Niro looks up. There's an understanding between these men that goes back years. They've got each other's backs. Affleck and Damon have nothing on these guys.

Walken: Thank you Bobby. I can always count on you to fight in my corner. True friendship... Loyalty... Blood... Truth...

He looks up at Affleck and Damon.

You jokers could learn a thing or two from this: Bobby and I go way back. Back when you two schmucks were still punk kids roaming the streets of Boston, we were tight back then. I know I can count on Bobby and he knows he can count on me.

Bobby nods. Watching the scene I can't help but glow with admiration for these two Hollywood legends. Walken and De Niro begin placing pieces out again, and very slowly, very quietly, Linden leans a little closer to me. I turn to him as he mouths the words:

Don't. Trust. Walken.

We start. Everyone plays conservatively at first. I quickly see how the Affleck-Damon team operates. Matt is in charge of tactical issues, troop deployment, reinforments, which territories to attack... Ben's main responsibility seems to be rolling the dice.

After a few turns around the board Christoph and Affleck-Damon are doing the best. Lambert has South America and is slowly pushing De Niro out of the North as well. Damon's holding Europe and a good chunk of Asia, but lousy rolling from Affleck keeps letting him down. Linden has Australia sown up. I'm holding onto Africa. Walken has... nothing really. A few pieces here and there, having no great effect on anything. I'm begin to wonder what Linden has against him.

So Matt,

Damon begins,

I hear you saw the rumble between Larry David and Russell Crowe at the Oscars.

I nod, and begin telling the story while De Niro finishes up deploying his reinforcements.

Larry and Russell get introduced. Larry offers a hand, to shake, but Russell doesn't accept. Just shakes his head and says,

I don't shake.

Larry smiles,

You don't shake?

No.

Never?

Never.

Huh... So what do you do?

The Gladiator star bends a little, lowering his head to Larry.

I bow.

He says.

You bow! I like that. A bower. Good for you.

There's a moment of silence. Russ eyes up Larry expectantly. Lar looks puzzled. Eventually Russell speaks again,

Well?

Well what?

You're not gonna bow?

Larry laughs.

Why should I bow?

Because I bowed to you. It'd be rude not to bow to me.

I offered you my hand to shake. You didn't shake. Isn't that rude?

That's different.

No it isn't. It's the same thing!

Russell grunts a laugh, but you can tell he's getting pissed.

You offered me a shake, but there was no shake. I completed a bow. The bow happened, the shake didn't.

You rejected the shake.

-and you accepted the bow!

I never accepted the bow! I hereby reject your bow!

I'm not finished the story but De Niro cuts in,

What the hell is this? How long does it go on for?

Damon: Let him finish Bobby. This is a good story.

De Niro ain't happy. He turns to Walken, who just shrugs.

Walken: Go ahead Evans. I wanna see how this baby plays out.

With Walken's support I go on... So Russell replies:

You can't reject it now. It's already done. You have to bow.

I have to bow?

Yeah.

Well I don't see how that's fair. I have to bow but you don't have to shake. I mean..

I don't shake.

Well I don't bow.

Crowe freaks out.

You don't bow!? How can you not bow?

You don't shake.

You can have good reasons for not shaking! Hygiene, sweaty palms...

Yeah, well I have a bad back. My chiropractor explicitally said no bowing. He said that as much as one bow would be risking all chance of a pain free lower back.

You can't bow?

Russell has calmed a little.

I can't bow.

Well, I guess if you can't bow... then it's ok.

Crowe nods a little, smiles and begins to turn away. Everyone around relaxes. At the last moment, almost inaudibally, Larry adds,

Either that or I just don't wanna bow.

Crowe spins and THUMP!, clocks Larry right in the face. He jumps after him and starts forcing him to bow over. Once Larry's doubled over he leans in and starts biting Russell's knee. Whether he knew it or not I dunno, but Russell's left kneecap is in awful shape - he smashed it up one time in a fight with that guy Zeuz from No Holds Barred. Crowe falls to the ground in agony and David starts working the face. Eventually he was pulled off him by Billy Crystal - since he lost the presenting gig at the Oscars they've had him working security.

De Niro cuts in again,

What the hell is No Holds Barred?

No Holds Barred?

I reply,

A 1989 picture starring Hulk Hogan.

Affleck: No Ring. No Ref. No Rules.

Me: Exactly.

De Niro's had enough. He attacks me in Irkutsk. At first I figure it was just to shut me up, but once he's cleared house he keeps going,

De Niro: Three from Irkutsk on Kamchatka.

Walken is in Kamchatka.

Walken: Bobby! What- hold up. What is this?

De Niro: I'm sorry Chris. I gotta do this. Kamchatka's the gateway to North America. I need it. Get ready to roll.

Walken: Get ready to roll? Bobby. I understand... that you're under pressure... in North America. Lambert's hurting you.

De Niro: He's killing me Chris!

Lambert: We are driven by the endless fight to survive in a game which knows no limits of time or place. We are the seeds of legend, but our true origin is unknown. We simply are.

Maybe it's not a good time, but I have to ask Lambert,

Your true origin is unknown? Hold up Lambert, I thought the Immortals were banished from the planet Zeist and then reincarnated on Earth.

Lambert looks at me gravely. He turns away to consider this. I realise I'm about to have one of the deepest mysteries of modern cinema unravelled by the man at it's very heart. He's still considering his answer. I wait. De Niro and Walken are still looking intensely at one another, but I'm not taking any notice of that now. Lambert opens his mouth to speak,

Lambert: Neh, heh, heh.

Walken goes on:

Walken: Listen to me Bobby... You're under pressure. I can see that. But these are the times, these troubling times, when friends need to come through for each other. Look around the board Bobby - the world. I've got nothing. No continents... no concentration of force... I'm spread out. But I have one thing Bobby, that I thought I could depend on. You. Can I depend on you Bobby? Can I?

Silence. A long silence. De Niro is deep in thought. Linden is leaning forward a little, as if he'll hear De Niro's response quicker that way. Damon is looking at Walken, shaking his head and mumbling quietly under his breath. Affleck is playing with two discarded troops, making quiet sound effects to himself.

De Niro: Ok Chris. For you.

Linden: CHRIST! WHAT THE F***!? Come on Bobby! You can't trust this guy!!

De Niro: Shut your goddamn mouth kid! You don't know nothing about this.

Linden: What do you mean I don't know nothing? He does this EVERY time!!.. God dammit!

Walken: I'm sorry for you Linden. Sorry that you've never learned what trust is. It's sad. It really is.

Linden slumps back in his chair. Kamchatka goes unchallenged, and Bobby finishes up his turn. I'm up. With Africa more or less sown up, it's time for me to move into Asia. The quickest way? - Through the Middle East. Through Walken.

I pick up the red dice.

Three from Egypt into the Middle East... Sorry Chris.

Walken looks up.

Linden: Good Matt. Do it. Don't listen to anything he says.

Walken: Evans... Matty... You're attacking me?

Linden: Roll the dice Matt. Roll the dice. Once you roll-

Walken: Hear me out Matty. What harm could it be?

Linden: Roll! Roll! God dammit Matt! Roll the goddamn dice!

I look between them, not knowing who to listen to. One of these guys is Linden Ashby. Johnny Cage. Tom Berenger's costar in Sniper 2. Detective Morrison in Wild Things 2. Dr. Brett "Coop" Cooper in Melrose Place.... not that I watch Melrose Place... you know, sometimes it's on after you know... uh.. Gun Cops. Yeah. Gun Cops. It's a little known show I watch. Very violent. Very intense. Lots of... guns.

And the other is Christopher Walken. What can I say about Chris Walken? The man's a living legend. This guy's made more movies than most people have seen. If sheer volume of work is a measure of how good an actor is, and I believe it is, then Chris Walken may just be the finest living actor alive today.

Me: I've gotta hear Chris out.

Linden: AAAAAAAAAH!!!

Walken: Thank you Matty. You're a good kid. I could see in your eye... both your eyes... when I met you today. I thought to myself... This guy... this Matt Evans... this guy... he's a good guy. I'm a good judge of character Matty... When I first met Woody Allen, way back, I thought... this is the kind of guy, who would marry his own adopted daughter. You know?... And look what happened.

Woody Allen?... I think to myself. Maybe some foreign director - I'll ask Malamar about him.

Walken: I wont ask much of you Matty. I just need a little time. Time to breath. Look at my forces. We're dwindling. You attack me in the Middle East... and I'll crumble. It could end me Matty. End me... Do you wanna end me Matty?

Linden: Yes!! End him. Do it!

Walken: Linden's trying to manipulate you Matty. I'm trying to help you.

Me: ...maybe.

Linden head drops flatly onto the table. Every piece of the board jumps up half an inch and lands again. He moans quietly.

Walken: I knew it! Bobby,

He turns to Bobby,

Walken: This Evans kid is a good guy... Tell you what Evans. You wanna get into Asia? I got no problem with that. A man gets to a point, in Risk or in life, he needs to go to Asia... Happened to me once upon time... It didn't end well Matty. Not for anyone.... But that's another story. Tell you what... you go through Europe, you pick up some territories along the way.... Build up some momentum.

Damon, the guy who's running Europe, tries to convince me not to go along with Chris' plan, but it's no use. Walken's really gotten through to me. I'm ready to roll. After taking Southern Europe and Ukraine I'm done. Walken's up.

He counts up his men and flips over some cards,

Walken: Twenty from the cards, two from territories, that's twenty two reinforcements.

As he begins counting out men Linden raises his head up slowly. He looks worried.

Walken: I'ma putt em all in Kamchatka.

De Niro: What?... What are you doing Chris?

Walken: It's like you said Bobby, it's the gateway to North America.

De Niro stares at him. Bobby's got a few troops in Asia, but the rest of his forces are all in North America. I'm not really sure what Chris' plan is.

Walken: First of all... I gotta tie up some loose ends in Asia. Three from Kamchatka into Irkutsk.

De Niro: Chris. That's me.

Walken: Yeah.

De Niro: We have a truce. I didn't attack you.

Walken: You didn't attack me... because I asked you not to... not because of any truce.

De Niro: Ok. Well, I'm asking you not to attack me. The way you asked me. Don't attack me Chris.

Walken rolls the dice. De Niro is silent. After a long pause he defends, and loses. Walken continues. Siberia. De Niro's finished in Asia. Then into North America. Territory after territory, Walken takes on De Niro. It all comes down to three of Walken's troops in Ontario against two of De Niro's in Quebec.

The loudest thing in the room is now De Niro breathing through his nostrils. He sits nodding to himself.

De Niro: It's a sad day. A sad motherf****** day.

Walken: You ready?

De Niro: A sad day...

Damon: Come on Bobby, let's just get it over with.

De Niro: Ok.... I'll defend with two.

Lambert: No-

Lambert reaches over and stops De Niro from rolling, points at Quebec - with only two troops remaining in it. Not enough to roll two dice.

Lambert: There can be only one.

Linden turns to me.

Linden: Jesus. It took him long enough to work that in.

Me: Yeah,

I smile. Linden looks at me.

Linden: Shut up.

Clearly he's a little annoyed that I didn't take his advice. Walken rolls. De Niro rolls... and loses. Again... and it's over. He's been wiped off the board in one turn. Walken flips over his mission card.

Walken: Destroy all blue troops... I win.

Damon: Crap.

Affleck: What?

Damon: It's over.

Affleck: Did we win?

Damon: No.

Affleck: Crap.

Walken stands up. Begins clearing the board.

Walken: Thank you all. It's been fun, I'm sure... I look forward to doing this again some time.

De Niro: A sad day...

After everything's cleared up and we say our goodbyes I head out with Lambert and Linden.

How about a ride home Linden?

Linden: It's a little out of my way. Come on Chris.

Linden heads down the driveway. Chris pauses a moment, then looks at me.

Lambert: The chessboard is the world... the rules of the game are what we call nature. The player on the other side is hidden from us but we know that his play is always fair, just, and patient. We also know that he never overlooks a mistake.

Wow Chris,

I say,

That's deep. What movie is that from?

He looks at me,

Lambert: That line's from Knight Moves. I played a chess grandmaster accused of a murder he didn't commit.

Wow!... Linden! He does speak English!

Linden calls back from beside his car:

Was it something about Knight Moves?

Yeah! Knight Moves...

Have you seen Knight Moves?

Uh... no.

Exactly. That's why he had to learn that phrase. No one's seen Knight Moves.

I turn to Chris. He smiles.

Lambert: Neh, heh, heh.